You’ve probably heard the term ‘toxic masculinity’. While various definitions of toxic masculinity are used across research and pop culture, the term refers to the pressure that some boys and men feel to behave in a certain way – behaviours that are both unhealthy and harmful.
Telling young men "You’ll be right, just man up and be the bigger boy" sounds like something that was said by previous generations, but this culture is still impacting many of our boys today.
Not only can this lead to uncertainty for those young men when it comes to managing their feelings and emotions, these so-called ‘masculine ideals’ are creating longer-term mental health issues that are straining our mental health system. A comprehensive 2018 study of men from the ages of 18 to 30 titled 'The Man Box', from the Jesiot Social Services concluded that "higher-than-average agreement with traditional masculine ideals is not good for young men’s health".
So... how can we support our boys to grow up, not man up?
I’m not advocating that we stop recognising that many boys thrive on being active, busy, and loud, but rather that we need to take more notice of those boys who need emotional connection. We also need to recognise that boys’ physical and emotional development occurs at different stages than girls’.
It’s common to see our teenage boys react angrily to something their parent has said or done, but anger is just the visible emotion. There is usually more that sits behind it – feelings that are begging to be explored. And when we do, we may realise that our boys are having difficulty communicating their fears, their unanswered questions, or their sadness at not being a typically loud, sporty boy.Â
Some of the young men I meet are really struggling as they question how they should be while reflecting on how they have grown up. When I hear a 9-year-old boy tell me he is sad and doesn’t know why, but he thinks he doesn’t fit in the world and worries he is not loud or good in big groups or sporty, I am concerned. I expect you would be too.
We need to start giving more recognition to the feelings of boys in our families or our little communities.
My challenge to all parents is that next time your teenage boy is heading off to a party with his mates, ask him to be the best-behaved boy in the room. The environment that our boys hang out in is often defined by the lowest form of acceptable behaviour in a group. Meaning that because the others are doing it, it is okay for me to do it too.
So express to your boy not to feel he must join in, but to think about lifting his standards and doing what he thinks might be a safe and healthy path for him. Tell him it is okay to be him!
As Dumbledore said in the first Harry Potter movie, ‘It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies but a great deal more to stand up to your friends’.Â
A few more takeaways for parents...
Spend time in conversation with your sons. Cars can be great places to talk with boys. If we don’t break the silence, the internet will be sure to fill the gap!
Teach them that they and their feelings matter. Lead by example – share stories and show some of your own vulnerabilities.
Teach them to say ‘no’ and to hear ‘no’ – boundaries are important.
Conclusion
The power of hindsight is certainly 20/20, we can now recognise what is no longer effective in our current times, and pivot to a place that develops and helps men, rather than hinders, or impacts.
The supportive environments we create now and the advice we provide will see that boys will have an easier time navigating their feelings and emotions. Leading them to become young men who are confident in who they are, not who they think they should be...
If you are interested in hearing me speak on this topic – please send me a brief email via the email address or button below – I am considering facilitating a couple of presentations/small workshops on topics such as these – natasha@natashasteen.com